There are things about me that I dont post publicly, some are just hard to talk about openly.
I did a post awhile back saying that I was going to tell you the story about Babe.
4 years ago I was diagnosed with Cancer and went through severe depression. It really hit me hard in every way and I wasnt myself for a long time. Cancer is scary, ugly, and something that you eventually quit talking about all together because you hear so many of the same questions from the same people, and you cant bear to be reminded every day, you do that yourself! They have good intentions dont get me wrong! I'm thankful for those same people. But its hard enough to wrap your mind around it, let alone try to help others wrap their minds around it! The same question day after day after day gets hard to handle.
I had surgery, a full hysterectomy which I wasnt ready or prepared for, but no one is prepared for something like that anyway. My doctor called it "corrective surgery". Due to being such a low stage of cancer I didn't have to go through any Chemo or radiation. I thank the Lord for that every day.
About 6 months after surgery when I went in for my routine pap to make sure all was clear. I didn't expect anything except that all is clear. I'd had a "corrective surgery" right? I got a call that devastated me. I still had active cancer cells, though they were pre-cancerous its not a good thing. I was recommended to Louisville Oncology ( who are great by the way) and had to have a pap test every 2 months. They came out abnormal...the next step is a colposcopy which is where they use a vinegar to highlight cancerous areas under a special light, which then led to biopsies. This went on every 2 - 3 months.
When I got the call that my pap was abnormal after my surgery I broke emotionally. Talk about not handling things well...I ended up on the floor crying for hours. I was scared to death. I had already been told that if the cancer had invaded the tissue in the walls that radiation was the only option...and I was told how that would turn out...I'm not going to list the uglies here, you can look online about what radiation can do to you when you have cervical cancer! Its not anything I would wish upon anyone!
I had gotten a mare by the name of Babe, not long before that, from an elderly woman whom no longer could ride and wanted to find her a good home. She was coming 9 years old, well broke, trail ridden up ( the lady stopped riding at 75 years old!!!!!!)
Babe was wonderful, she was gentle and loving. (I'll find her picture and post it on a later post)She would do ANYTHING asked of her without hesitation, and was careful to never do anything to scare you. When little kids led her around she would watch their feet to be sure not to step on them, when they rode she walked purposely slow and steady. Just an awesome horse, with a smooth gait and a willing to please attitude. I groomed her every day, building a very strong bond. We rode her often, and Leah used her in 4-H showing her and even winning several 1st. 2nd, and third place ribbons! I was so proud of both of them that day!
Leah rode her for 8 hours in a 4-H ridding clinic. Everyone wanted to touch her and ride her they commented on her beauty, grace, and quite knowing way about her.
I didnt go to the barn for a few days after I got that call...I couldnt deal with anything other than trying not to worry (yeah right!) and to be myself around my children and just "get myself up off the floor" so to speak.
I had a particularly bad day that same week as the call and needed to be at peace if only for a few minutes, so out to the barn I went to groom Babe - its a place I always loved to be in and was at peace within myself. So it only seemed logical. With her I always felt safe, protected, and loved. A strong bond. I didnt realize how much so until I got into the barn and brought her into the center isle. Before I could even tie the lead rope to a barn pole I again broke into a sobbing mess. I cried on my Babe as I leaned into her side. She never moved, just sighed heavily and let me cry. It felt as she was taking all my pain from me and holding it within herself.
Horsefly's where buzzing about and landing on her, never a move, I could feel her skin twitch from their bites.
I finally dried my eyes, she looked at me with her head hung low at eye level, and I knew she felt that I was hurting. I loved that horse, the rock I needed, when I needed one the most.
People who dont know a horse in their life time, or know one that is exceptional cannot understand how those of us who can cherish that special creature.
Some think I'm silly and stupid for how I've cried over the loss of Oliver last week, or reading this story, they will be critical and ugly.
I dont care. I know how badly I needed someone that day, when I had no one at that time, and she was there. In her lovely, graceful, quiet way.
I had to sell Babe 2 years ago, I had no where to keep her. It was a hard and painful decision. but I had to let go.
I've been thinking of asking my friend who helped me find her a good home if they wanted to sell her....its been on my mind a lot lately. I have had some health scares last week....a regular check up revealed some lumps in my throat. Nothing I expected, but with my history....again scary. This time around though if I got bad news I would be able to handle it so differently.
I received good news today....my pap came back NORMAL for the first time in 3 1/2 years!!! My cancer is in remission - DORMANT - the relief I felt cannot be put into words!
My doctor did a COMPLETE work up of my blood, doing 5 vials of blood for tests I've never heard of...they all came back...PERFECT! The results from the ultra sound??? Didn't show anything, however it wouldnt show anything other than my thyroid...all clear. I've been given a prescription for some meds to see if it clears up the throat problem...which crossing my fingers it will...if not I'll be sent to a specialist. I'll know if it works within 8 weeks.
As I sit here now, I'm feeling that burden has been lifted, a burden that I've carried since October 2004. I feel peace....and utter joy. I am reminded of my beloved Babe. I remember staring into the precious eyes of an exceptional horse on that hot summer day, and I wish I could share that joy with a good ride just the 2 of us.
Maybe I'll find her again and have that joy I had for much too short of a time.
Being reunited with her, I cannot tell you what it would mean to me. I was able to reunite with king after several years....maybe one day Babe too....